Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Plans Unveiled For XLB--New Baseball League Based on Fun
Hey gang, this is your intrepid sports reporter Jacques Niffer back from Vegas where I managed to get an exclusive one on one with noted sports entertainment magnet Dense McMayhem about his new professional baseball league.
Since I was having a little trouble typing this morning, I had my secretary transcribe the whole recorded interview:
JN: Mr. McMayhem, thanks for sitting down with me today.
DM: ARE THERE ANY . . . BASEBALL FANS OUT THERE!!!
JN: You don't have to scream, I'm sitting right here.
DM: Sorry, I'm just so excited. That's how we're going to start every game--you know, instead of having the umpire just mumble, "Play ball." Everything about this new league is going to be fresh and fun. There's been so much criticism from the younger generation about baseball being a tired game. So we've come up with a great idea. It's based on a previously very successful, just ahead of it's time, football venture: the XFL. We're going to call this the XLB.
JN: Sounds great. Do you have any players signed up yet?
DM: Only one so far, but fans will love him. He's a five-tool outfielder with an attitude who played with the Red Sox and Cubs and Dodgers and, hell, probably everybody else too, for one year. He just had his name legally changed to He Don't Like Me.
JN: So what's going to be different about the XLB?
DM: Everything. We threw out all the boring stuff everybody hates. Like uniforms. And batting gloves. We're going with one-piece leotards. That way there's nothing for batters to grab and scratch and adjust and waste time before getting in the batter's box. Anybody bunts, both benches get to dogpile them. And we're getting rid of the balk rule. Holding runners on base is boring. We're going to allow our first basement to REALLY hold runners on base; or off base--we call that the Herbie rule.
JN: What about talent, how good are the players going to be?
DM: Right, right. Where was I? Relief pitchers. When a pitcher is going bad, the manager will come out of the dugout and stand next to a giant gong. If the fans boo loud enough, he'll hit the gong and a new pitcher comes in. Also all relief pitchers will wear a mask, so nobody knows who they are and they'll warm up with both hands--that'll get rid of all that righty-lefty crap that everybody hates.
Pinch hitters can't enter the game until they've been tagged by the batter, but the pitcher and catcher can tackle the batter to keep him from tagging him.
And bat flips. All our players will be shown the video of Bert Campaneris in the 1972 playoffs. We'll show fans some damn bat flips, allright.
And we're doing away with those new pansy base running rules. If one of our guys is going into second or home plate on a close play and he just happens to have a hidden chain or is carrying a folding chair--well, hey, it's a man's game.
JN: Will fans get to see good baseball?
DM: We'll have all the stuff the new generation wants. We'll even incorporate the walk up music for batters--anybody plays Manilow or Bieber, it's an automatic two-strike count. Did I mention kids yet? You know with all the trouble about having players' kids on the field recently, we thought we would encourage that. I'm envisioning players' kids, wearing leather jackets and smoking, lined up down the foul lines, snapping their fingers. First high-and-tight pitch, they all rush in. Of course, they won't get hurt. Their switch blades will be made of rubber. We want a family atmosphere, you know.
JN: But what about talent?
DM: You want talent? Get a load of these. These are going to be our cheerleaders. They were all recruited right here in Vegas. You might even say they're professionals already, heh, heh. We're going to move the foul poles and have them put on top of the dugouts so our lovely cheerleaders can use them to, uh, perform.
JN: Are you sure these ladies are all natural? You know baseball fans are still a little wary of performance enhancers.
DM: Whaddaya trying to say?
JN: It's just that, I mean, I didn't know they could stand up like that on someone with a face that looks 60. I think they are fake?
DM: FAKE? Why you little . . . I'll show you fake.
JN: Hey, what are you doing . . . . OW, that hurts . . . put me down, I'm afraid of heights . . . HEY . . . HELP . . . . (barely audible whimper).
DM: And that concludes our interview today folks. Remember, baseball is all about fun.